Oh My Tinder Heart - The Nice Guy

Oh My Tinder Heart – The Nice Guy

So as usual it all starts with “It's a match”. He seemed cool. He had a good balance of pictures of his life and pictures of himself. And in each picture he was the focus. Not his quirky friend or the slew of hot girls he happens to be friends with that are typically included in the profile to remind us ladies how desirable a guy is. Cause yeah that works. (No, no it doesn’t work)

And speaking of hot girls he was actually friends with one of my girlfriends (cause you know hot girls hang together. I’m kidding but not kidding) Not just some chick I know from Facebooklandia but someone I actually know from the real world. And it appeared that he might actually be friends with her in real life too. So this was definitely a good sign.

While I was in this place of deep contemplation I got a message from the guy. What?! He contacted me right away. What is going on here, this is real normal ish… I don’t know if I am ready for this. Anyway, we message for bit back and forth. He laughs at my jokes and makes a couple of his own and things are looking up! We go back and forth for a few days and then he does it. No no, nothing creepy. He asked to meet up.

We confirm our plans and the date is set. I arrive about 20 minutes early. This is all by design cause I hate looking around for some random dude I don't know. By arriving first he has to look for me and I get to set the tone for the date. Or at least that is how it works in my head.

Anyway, we watch a movie. Spy, with Melissa McCarthy. She was Hi-Larious!! And Jason Statham is always my favorite. So needless to say the movie was pretty good. The only things is… well, maybe it wasn’t a thing and it is entirely possible I could be making this all up in my head but I think he… Nah… He wasn’t. Well, it seemed like he was burping. Like not loud overbearing burps but the kind that you try to keep inside because they smell. You know what I’m talking about. And I do remember the distinct smell of garlic. But hey, I don't know this could all be in my head. It is really possible that I was just imagining stuff.

Okay so the movie ends and we stand around chatting for a bit and then he ask if I would like to go grab a bite. It’s early so why not. And that is when it happened. It was so subtle I missed it. But when we were walking away from the movie theater on our quest to find a place to eat I smacked him on the arm for something. It was so minor that I can’t even remember what the smack was for but that was the official moment he was friendzoned.

I didn't mean to do it. I mean, he was a nice enough guy. Funny, smart and nice but I guess that just wasn’t enough. But keep in mind at this point I didn't know I had friendzoned him.

While at dinner we are exchanging funny life stories, you know as people do when on a date and I proceed to tell him a story about a guy I used to work with that I could not stand!! He was a Sudanese guy who grew up in France and he was everything I dislike in an effeminate man. Idealistically he was metrosexual but his exterior didn't match the class and status of which he imagined he had.

He had a short fade ala kid from Kid and Play except to give the illusion of “good hurr” he had some sort of almost jeri curl going on at the top but it just didn't quite… curl. He was in a constant state of ash. He had ashy, hands, feet, ankles and somehow or another he was able to develop ash on his neck. But he was a sneaky little bugger  and he whined all the time, he was so delicate that he couldn't be asked to move or lift anything and we worked in a freaking furniture store so… MOVING and LIFTING stuff was part of his freaking job!! But this wasn’t the problem on my date.

The problem is that while telling this story I realized I was talking to him like he was one of my dudes. You know my boys. The fellas I hang out with and go on boys night out. The Jascha, Ken, and Sean’s of my world. Oops! And by the end of the story he could tell too. That was SO my bad.

I totally didn’t mean for that to happen. I was actually feeling pretty hopeful when I got there. But yeah, I friendzoned the dude with such ease that I didn't even notice it until it was too late. That poor guy. But I am going to assume that he wasn’t feeling me either. Yeah, I’m going with that. For all I know he friendzoned me and THAT is what I was reacting to.

Yeah, that’s it! He friendzoned me first!!

Whoever did it first really isn't important but I got say he was very kind about the whole thing. He even paid for dinner. I hardly even noticed that he walked on the wrong side of the street and didn’t open the door.