Oh My Tinder heart - The Calm

Oh My Tinder Heart

The Calm!!

I was just swiping away and noticed that every time I swipe on a dude I create a character in my head based on the picture in front of me and on more than one occasion I thought what is wrong with these dudes, really dude this is the image of yourself you want to out into the world. Is this really you putting your best foot forward?

There is the dude with multiple pictures of himself and a variety of women. Which makes me wonder what message he is trying to convey. Are you telling me, “Look how desirable I am. See all these other women want me so you should too” Cause that doesn’t feel desperate at all. Or maybe he is trying to tell me that he is not looking for anything long-term, he is looking for a “situation”.  Ion know ya’ll. This just makes me itch. But I will at the very least read the little profile intro to see if he says “Oh, that’s my sister, mother, cousin, etc…” But if not… Swipe Left.

Then there is the where is Waldo dude, every picture is a group picture and you have no real way to determine which dude is him. So my thought is if I get three pictures in and I still don’t know who you are… Swipe Left.

How about the fuzzy out of focus picture. Trickery!! In this day and age of smart phones and our selfie culture, there is no excuse for a series of out of focus pictures. And if you are on Tinder it is safe to assume you have a pretty up to date phone so whip out that cell phone and selfie stick and take a new picture. Hmmm… Suspicious.

And if you look best out of focus… Swipe Left.

Then there is the 420 friendly blunt lip dude. Eyes all red and glazed over. You can just smell the cannabis through the picture. Ummm, no… Swipe Left.

And my personal favorite is the dude where the picture is of some random body part and you have no real context well obviously he is looking for one thing… You know… one thing, the cookie. Andmy cookies stay in the jar. Swipe Left!

But I have to admit I appreciate the candid culture of Tinder. If a guy is married and looking for an addition to his poly relationship, he just says it and there is no awkward conversation. Or if he and the wifey are looking for a little hubba hubba, ya know to add a little spice to their lives they just say it. And if he is just looking for a quick fix, there it is. Right there for you to make an informed decision. Everyone knows right up front so I can just… Swipe Left!

Sometimes just for giggles I will swipe right on the most random of pictures, mostly for my own amusement. Never really expecting to get a match but somehow always surprised when I do.

There was a guy… Okay, no judgement. But he was wearing leather shorts and a matching collar with leash. So yeah… I swiped right cause, there is no way this dude would have matched with me, right? WRONG!! There it was… “It’s a match”. I laughed so hard I dropped the phone. NO WAY!!

Before I could compose myself I had received a message. I considered chickening out but, what the heck, I’m in it now and I swiped right so… I open the message. He is a true sub looking for his perfect Dom to treat him like the filthy little pig he is. I can’t make this stuff up. That was GREAT!!

And of all the weird conversations I’d had up until this point he was actually the nicest. He didn’t say anything crazy. He was very polite and I actually enjoyed the conversation. But no, I may be a little dominant but I’m no Dom. But I was curious about why he picked me. Was I putting off some sort of vibe I wasn’t aware of? Or was this some sort of angry black woman stereotype type stuff. So me being me, I asked. He said he thought I was attractive and didn’t know if I were into it but he just hoped I would be. I asked a few questions, he answered them and then I thanked him for his time and we parted ways.

Then there was the cowboy dude. He actually had a picture of himself on a bull. I thought, there is no way in real life this dude would EVER approach me. He looked like he fell out of a country music video complete with cowboy hat and boots. Nope. This is never gonna happen. So I swiped Right. And there it was “It’s a match” HA!!

He didn’t message me so I figured it may have been one of those things where he got into a rhythm and didn't mean to swipe right. I get it. I do it all the time and sometimes I just swipe right cause I can. No hard feelings. And then… It came. A message from the cowboy. And of course I read it with a country cowboy accent in my head. Cause that’s what I do.

He seemed fine at first, totally normal and nothing crazy but then it happened… He started being weird about race. He kept bringing it up. So I asked if he had ever dated out of his race. He actually responded with no ma’am. I explained to him the issues of fetishizing black women. Gave him a little advice on how to proceed the next time he gets a match and encouraged him to keep going cause a good looking man is a good looking man regardless of race. He said thank you ma’am and everything was good. I was actually beginning to think this Tinder thing isn’t SO bad. Look at me making connections, giving advice and moving on. Like a Tinder catch and release program.

But that my friend was the calm before the storm cause it was nothing but shenanigans after that.