Oh My Tinder Heart... The begining

Oh My Tinder Heart

So I should probably give a little back-story so that you have proper context, right? Okay, so after being in a committed relationship for 6 years… We broke up. Cause ya know that happens. Anyway, it had been brought to my attention that I have been single for 6 years. Yep!! Six years in and six years out. Like a gang, blood in blood out. No not really like a gang obviously cause if it was blood in blood out, I’m pretty sure I could have taken him.

To be honest, and of course what’s the sense of writing about it if I’m not going to be honest… I just wasn’t interested in dating. I rarely even noticed men and as far as I could tell the feelings were mutual; they weren’t paying me much attention either.

Anyway, I reached a point where even I had noticed that I was spending a lot of time alone and there was no one to share those life victories with. The big ones but more importantly the small ones. Like finding the perfect parking spot at the mall on a Saturday afternoon. Or when you find out you aren’t going to have to pay shipping on a your order from amazon because you have more than enough points. Who's gonna share moments with me? I had nobody to share my moments with. Arghhh!!! There wasn’t even anyone I wanted to share those moments with. It was really noticeable after we shot our first television commercial. On the way home I was all pumped up and wanted to bask in the afterglow of the day and I had no one to do that with. I called my dad, even though he was excited and proud he just didn't get it.

So after several conversations with my friends, and trust me I have amazing friends. The kind of friends that give it to you straight up with no chaser and you gotta take it whether you like it or not because it comes from a place of love type friends. The kind of friends that will tell you about yourself when you're wrong while holding the flashlight while you dig. Plus those heffas don't play and its just easier to take your lumps then to fight. Anyway, the decision was made that I need to start dating again.

I’m not gonna lie I was more than a little scared and for someone like me that's saying a lot. I’ve bungee jumped off cape good hope. Petted a cheetah, hiked the Inca Trail and a bunch of other super bad*ss stuff… I do not scare easily. But dating is not my happy place.

Now here is the thing, at this point it has been over 10 years since I’ve even looked at a man seriously. Things have changed. Social media changed the game and I don't know the rules anymore. And the idea of online dating gives me anxiety.

Let me back track a bit… About two years after the ex and I broke up a friend of mine tried to push me back into the dating world by introducing me to online dating. She created a profile for me and everything. I read it, it was pretty good. So I decided to roll with it. She said I wouldn’t have to do anything she would do all the screening and interacting and once it was narrowed down she would let me know.

Every once in awhile I would check it out and see what was happening, usually a lot of nothing so I thought nothing of it. Until… One day I was leaving the gym, I was walking down this short alleyway between the gym and the parking lot to my car and this  guy comes up behind me, I assume he is trying to get past me so I step to the side and then he taps me on the shoulder. A little freaked out I turn around to face him. It's the same guy from inside the gym that was staring at me. (It was leg day so I just figured he was enjoying the view while I did squats… Not that I am so great but hell, men staring at women doing squats is just part of the gym experience) Anyway, he starts talking to me about a book I recently read and now I am REALLY freaking out. How does he know that!! I start to slowly back away from him but not trying to set the guy off or escalate the situation or over react. That’s when he reaches in like he is going to touch, hug or grab me. I push his hands away and as politely as I can muster I apologize if I have forgotten but ask him if we know each other. He mentions the dating site. I’m done!! 

This dude was well over 6ft tall and I am only 5’1”, fortunately it was during the day and there was plenty of foot traffic in that alleyway and he didn’t seem to want to harm me but what if the situation had been just a little different. NOPE! No online dating for me!!

I called my friend immediately and demanded that she remove the profile. And you would think it would all be over at this point, right? Nope. Shortly thereafter I found out that a guy I had kinda gone out with a few times with a less than stellar ending decided to create a profile on my behalf as well. Except his was on a casual sex site. Yep, cause that's normal. I didn’t even know sites like that existed. But there I was in living color looking for a random rendezvous with a stranger on a casual sex site. I felt sick. Fortunately I have a friend that is a computer/tech guy and he helped me get the profile taken down. But at that point I couldn’t be any more over online dating and dating in general for that matter.

This may be why it took me 4 more years to even consider it.

So myself and two other single girlfriends made a pact, 30 days 3 dating sites and at least 3 dates and if we are going to do it we gotta GO HARD!! So here I am back online dating.

And what is online dating today without Tinder. Just the idea of Tinder stresses me out. All that judgment and instant rejection. How am I supposed to handle that? I just envision some dude I would never even be interested in in real life seeing my picture, reading my profile (if that) and then deciding “Nah, she’s alright but I can do better” Then I’m like “Wait, don't you know I trekked the Inca trail! Fourteen days on the trail with no shower. I’m pretty bad*ss! Read my profile again. See I’m funny and witty. Look at it! Look at me. Why am I not good enough? What’s wrong with me? Don't you see it, I’m a cutie, Swipe right, swipe right! Ahhh!” Then the inevitable happens he swipes left and I’m like “Why am I begging this dude to look at me. He’s stupid! He's a stupid stupid head!! I don’t even care anyway. Shoo, I’m a cutie, his loss. Stupid dude with his stupid head and stupid fat fingers” and it all becomes just too much for me to handle and I chicken out of signing up.

But today… I vaged up and signed up!! So hopefully the Tinderverse will be gentle on my Tinder heart.