Oh My Tinder heart - The Calm

Oh My Tinder Heart

The Calm!!

I was just swiping away and noticed that every time I swipe on a dude I create a character in my head based on the picture in front of me and on more than one occasion I thought what is wrong with these dudes, really dude this is the image of yourself you want to out into the world. Is this really you putting your best foot forward?

There is the dude with multiple pictures of himself and a variety of women. Which makes me wonder what message he is trying to convey. Are you telling me, “Look how desirable I am. See all these other women want me so you should too” Cause that doesn’t feel desperate at all. Or maybe he is trying to tell me that he is not looking for anything long-term, he is looking for a “situation”.  Ion know ya’ll. This just makes me itch. But I will at the very least read the little profile intro to see if he says “Oh, that’s my sister, mother, cousin, etc…” But if not… Swipe Left.

Then there is the where is Waldo dude, every picture is a group picture and you have no real way to determine which dude is him. So my thought is if I get three pictures in and I still don’t know who you are… Swipe Left.

How about the fuzzy out of focus picture. Trickery!! In this day and age of smart phones and our selfie culture, there is no excuse for a series of out of focus pictures. And if you are on Tinder it is safe to assume you have a pretty up to date phone so whip out that cell phone and selfie stick and take a new picture. Hmmm… Suspicious.

And if you look best out of focus… Swipe Left.

Then there is the 420 friendly blunt lip dude. Eyes all red and glazed over. You can just smell the cannabis through the picture. Ummm, no… Swipe Left.

And my personal favorite is the dude where the picture is of some random body part and you have no real context well obviously he is looking for one thing… You know… one thing, the cookie. Andmy cookies stay in the jar. Swipe Left!

But I have to admit I appreciate the candid culture of Tinder. If a guy is married and looking for an addition to his poly relationship, he just says it and there is no awkward conversation. Or if he and the wifey are looking for a little hubba hubba, ya know to add a little spice to their lives they just say it. And if he is just looking for a quick fix, there it is. Right there for you to make an informed decision. Everyone knows right up front so I can just… Swipe Left!

Sometimes just for giggles I will swipe right on the most random of pictures, mostly for my own amusement. Never really expecting to get a match but somehow always surprised when I do.

There was a guy… Okay, no judgement. But he was wearing leather shorts and a matching collar with leash. So yeah… I swiped right cause, there is no way this dude would have matched with me, right? WRONG!! There it was… “It’s a match”. I laughed so hard I dropped the phone. NO WAY!!

Before I could compose myself I had received a message. I considered chickening out but, what the heck, I’m in it now and I swiped right so… I open the message. He is a true sub looking for his perfect Dom to treat him like the filthy little pig he is. I can’t make this stuff up. That was GREAT!!

And of all the weird conversations I’d had up until this point he was actually the nicest. He didn’t say anything crazy. He was very polite and I actually enjoyed the conversation. But no, I may be a little dominant but I’m no Dom. But I was curious about why he picked me. Was I putting off some sort of vibe I wasn’t aware of? Or was this some sort of angry black woman stereotype type stuff. So me being me, I asked. He said he thought I was attractive and didn’t know if I were into it but he just hoped I would be. I asked a few questions, he answered them and then I thanked him for his time and we parted ways.

Then there was the cowboy dude. He actually had a picture of himself on a bull. I thought, there is no way in real life this dude would EVER approach me. He looked like he fell out of a country music video complete with cowboy hat and boots. Nope. This is never gonna happen. So I swiped Right. And there it was “It’s a match” HA!!

He didn’t message me so I figured it may have been one of those things where he got into a rhythm and didn't mean to swipe right. I get it. I do it all the time and sometimes I just swipe right cause I can. No hard feelings. And then… It came. A message from the cowboy. And of course I read it with a country cowboy accent in my head. Cause that’s what I do.

He seemed fine at first, totally normal and nothing crazy but then it happened… He started being weird about race. He kept bringing it up. So I asked if he had ever dated out of his race. He actually responded with no ma’am. I explained to him the issues of fetishizing black women. Gave him a little advice on how to proceed the next time he gets a match and encouraged him to keep going cause a good looking man is a good looking man regardless of race. He said thank you ma’am and everything was good. I was actually beginning to think this Tinder thing isn’t SO bad. Look at me making connections, giving advice and moving on. Like a Tinder catch and release program.

But that my friend was the calm before the storm cause it was nothing but shenanigans after that.

Oh My Tinder Heart - Why I swipe Left (Yes they are arbitrary reasons but so what!!)

Oh My Tinder Heart

There are a barrage of photos to swipe from in the Tinderverse and it can be a bit overwhelming. Who am I kidding this is crazy. The things that people post as part of their profiles just blows me away.

When I first began this process I saw a lot of references to pictures of dudes with tigers, super fancy cars and the obligatory shirtless selfie. And I thought, nobody actually does that… But they do, they actually do that, all of those things. There was one dude that did all of those things in one profile. He was petting a tiger, shirtless selfies at the beach with two bikini clad ladies, then the picture in front of what looked like a Ferrari (yellow of course) and then the series of him performing various acts of masculinity (Fishing, skiing, riding a motorcycle, etc…)

Whether or not I swiped right or left typically was determined by how I am feeling that day so I figured I should come up with some automatic no go’s. And yes some of them may be arbitrary but so what! This is my Tinder experience.

Swipe Left:

·      Out of focus

·      Unexplained women in the picture

·      No pictures where I can actually see you.

·      You are holding a fish in more than one picture. What is that about? Aren't you trying to appeal to women and not other men. Cause most of us don't care how big the fish was or that it took you 5 hours to battle this beast of the ocean before you were able to reel him in all by yourself (wink wink at all by yourself).

·      Sitting in front of an expensive car. (Can we say d- bag)

·      Smoking a cigarette (I didn't realize so many people still smoked)

·      And what is up with the guy to cool or too busy to write anything about himself. He just does a short photo essay showing you how cool his life is. Wow, dude you aren’t even gonna put a little effort. Plus most of those pictures look like stock photos from Google. Who wants to really date a guy who’s life looks like a series of beer commercials and sporting events.

·      Oh and pictures of you cuddling a cat. Nope. I am a dog person and if you are a cat person we are unofficial enemies. Besides I have horrible allergies when it comes to cats so for my own safety I must take a pass.

Tinder is unofficially the land of the overshare. People just put it all out there. Like it love it or not. But there it is.

Whatever happened to the days of getting to know someone before you start telling him or her your sexual proclivities? You know where a guy used deception, flowery language and trickery to get a girl into bed. Ahh… The good ole days.

Oh, My Tinder Heart - My First D*ck Pic

Oh My Tinder Heart

My first d*ck pic

So I guess it’s official. I am officially a member of the female online dating community!! I got my first D*CK PIC!!

 I just want to say thank you to all of the ladies that prepared me for this moment. Without their suggestions and tutelage and preparation I know that I wouldn’t have been ready for this my official welcome into the community. I also want to extend a special thank you to the “gentleman” that sent me the unsolicited d*ck pic. (Which of course makes me wonder… Who asks for a d*ck pic? I mean really under what circumstances would this be a desirable thing to obtain and for what use?)

Now I know this type of thing happens. I see the post and hear the stories and I had been warned several times that it was inevitable. But truthfully nothing really prepares you for that moment when you get the notification on your phone that says you have a message. There’s that little surge of excitement and anticipation. Because quite honestly the message could be saying anything or nothing at all but with all the possibilities and all the warnings I just. Wasn't. Ready.

SO I open the message and there it is. At first I wasn’t sure what I was looking at, I guess the angle was weird. I don’t really know. And my mind just wasn’t processing what it was seeing. And since there was jewelry dangling from the tip I… I just didn’t know what it was. Yeah, that’s right, I said jewelry. There was jewelry hanging from the tip of it. At first I was trying to figure out if it was a butterfly or something but it was just some sort of ball with a bar or something around it.

Once I figured it out what I was seeing my first reaction was laughter. I know I should say I was totally disgusted but the truth is I thought it was funny. And the poor thing just look sad, hanging there in low light impaled by a gold bar and a ball dangling from it. It looked tired and defeated and for some reason I thought that was amusing.

When you think about it… Who does that? I mean really, shouldn’t there be some sort of etiquette to this? I mean talk about icebreaker. No hello, how ya doin? Just “Hey, here's my junk with a pretty little jewel in it”

There are a variety of questions running through my mind at this point. When in a situation like this what’s my next move? What is the proper response to this type of solicitation? Is that even the proper term for this type of thing? What do you say “Thank You”. I know what you’re thinking… You’re thinking “I bet she responded” not gonna lie I really wanted to ask. I wanted to send him a message asking him if this is his normal opener and how do women normally respond but I didn’t. Then I thought I should send him a meme, cause I love a good meme and I had two really good ones. One is a creepy looking guy pointing at the camera shouting “UNCLEAN!!” and the other one is Ned Flanders from The Simpson’s in a window with a little bity sign that says “Christ is watching” See, aren’t you proud of me? I didn’t ask him. I can be mature.

I let it go. Well not before I sent it to a couple of my friends. And we laughed! And laughed and laughed.

So a word of caution to those guys who send random pics of their junk to unsuspecting women, I know you’re proud of it and probably have been since you discovered it in your youth but everything isn’t for everybody. At the very least wait until she ask or offer and if she confirms then send it. But don’t just go sending out those things all willy-nilly. Don’t go assaulting women with your privates. Some things should remain private.

Oh My Tinder Heart - You're a Match!!

Oh My Tinder Heart 3

(The Russian)

YOU’RE A MATCH!!

I swiped right and there he was. Not bad to look at and his profile seemed interesting enough. But if I’m being honest I think I may have accidentally swiped right. He has a weak chin and that isn’t usually my thing. Not to mention he is a 40 something year old wearing a tangerine baseball cap. But what the heck. We’re going hard. Right!!

The next day he sends me a message. The whole thing was pretty easy. No sexual innuendo. Just cheeky banter and a couple of jokes about the state of dating today.  We chat off an on for a couple days and all is well… Until, he sends the “Let’s meet” message.

I am not ready for this level of interaction. This is real life stuff people! Abort, abort, abort!! I was comfortable with the exchange of simple anecdotes and witty observations but real life meeting is something else. Ahhh!!

Okay, here we go. I gotta pull it together. Vag up! You can do this. I just have to formulate a plan that allows me a built in out just in case it goes all wrong.

We decide to meet for coffee. I tell him I have some errands to run on the Westside and a meeting later that afternoon so I only have about an hour. I figured I can handle an hour. I’ve sat through some of the dullest political science classes in ever that last much longer than an hour. I can do this besides even if its bad I will probably get a funny story from it so, I confirm the meet.

I arrive early just to make sure I can set the tone as well as pick where we sit. I park my three blocks from the coffee shop so that I can use that as an additional excuse to leave if necessary. 1pm and out by 2. The plan is set!

1pm rolls around and this dude is no where to be found. I check my tinder (cause I didn't give him my number, just in case I didn’t like him. Why would I want some dude I don't know, don’t like having my number) there is a message telling me he got caught in traffic and he is 5 minutes away. Ummm Hmmm.

1:15p still no sign of dude. At this point I am getting messages from the girls telling me to bounce. This is a fail and it’s time to move on. But I try to give him the benefit of the doubt, he did contact me and this is LA what if there was traffic (then again this is LA there is ALWAYS traffic so anyone that has been here any significant amount of time knows to account for traffic but I’m giving the benefit of the doubt)

1:36p He finally shows up. And yes I did check my phone to see the time when he finally walked up. I’d already set my alarm on my phone for 2pm but I just wanted to make sure everything was set.

He quickly apologized for being late and offered to buy me a coffee. But before I could answer he starts telling me about how he likes to work on cars and that he is thinking about opening a shop.

In my head: Okay, I guess we’re just jumping right in.

So, you’re a mechanic?

No, I just like working on cars. It's easy for me. I like to understand things and figure them out. I do special effects.

Oh, ok.

This car right here (points to a Mercedes in front of the coffee shop) see that car is easy to fix all you have to do… Blah, blah, blah…

Oh, well you are lucky you can fix your own car and not have to go to a mechanic.

Mechanics are all crooks. They just take your money. People are always trying to take your money. Like the meters. Its all bullsh*t. They just steal your money and they don’t take care of the streets. They’re municipal terrorist.

Terrorist, huh?

Yeah, that’s why I don’t waste my money. F*ck them. I’m not paying.

So if you get a ticket you don’t pay?

No. I crashed my car a few months ago, I just left it.

Wait, what?! You had an accident and you just left the car there.

I had been out with some friends, I was jet lagged, had a few drinks and on the way home I feel asleep behind the wheel and hit a tree. When I woke up I was just sitting there like whoa. But I was only a few blocks from my house so I just left.

You just left it there?

You already said that.

Oh, um. Did the police come?

No. I had just finished restoring it so it wasn’t registered.

It is important to note that at this point her reached into his pocket and removed a sheet of paper that looked like a credit card receipt, balled it up and tossed it on the ground. Now maybe it’s just me but it bothers me when people litter. Especially when there is garbage can less than ten feet away. Also want to note that he showed up in a lime green T-Shirt and a matching baseball hat. He wore sunglasses the bulk of the conversation and used a lot of profanity. Okay…

NOW… He asked me what I do for a living. I tell him I work for a production company. He tells me if we need any special effects we should use him because he can do everything. I tell him the bulk of the work we are doing right now is corporate and I don’t think they need a bunch of explosions.

I can do lots of stuff. If you have an airline company and they need video of the plane flying I can do that.

But if they are an airline company why would they want to simulate that?

Well how much would you charge to do that? Renting a plane would be expensive. I can save you the trouble of renting a plane.

If the client owns planes why would they pay me to rent a plane for them when they already have that resource?

They may want to show the plan doing something else.

Something the plane doesn’t actually do? (Beat) Okay well if they wanted that and needed to simulate it then I guess we would oblige the client.

How much would you charge?

I don't know. Nobody has asked us to do that yet.

Well just give me a number.

It doesn’t work like that.

I could charge like $5,000.

I will keep that in mind. But it looks like I need to get going.

He to walk me to my car but walks on the wrong side of the street. Upon arriving at my car he proceeds to tell me how my car is a piece of sh*t and that I need to just get rid of it. I thank him for meeting me. There is an awkward beat like he is waiting for something. I realize that we weren’t on the same date and chuckle a bit. I ask him if he wants to hug it out. But I don’t think he fully understood. So there was this very strange hug and then I got in the car and drove away.

1 down 2 to go!!

Oh My Tinder Heart - Let the Shenanigans Begin!!

Oh My Tinder Heart 

Let the Shenanigans Begin

So I am all signed up. Let the shenanigans begin!!

I don’t know why I am so surprised at the number of married men on here looking for a little side action or the dudes with the topless faceless pictures talkin 'bout

I’m a sensitive man full of passion and romance and I am just looking for a special lady to pour a lifetime of beauty, passion and pleasure into, if only for one night.

Really dude, really. That’s your line? Then again a lifetime of passion in one night does sound kind of intense. Right? But if you pour it all out in one night, what do you do for the rest of your life. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life pining over passion I can never have again. That sounds like any woman that agrees is setting herself up for a lifetime of disappointment. Nah, man, sounds to risky for me.

And I am sure by now you have assessed the flaw in my personality. I am a smartass. 

Then I got my first match! I was super excited. He even messaged me right away. I had my guard up after a quick tinder tutoring session with one of my online dating expert friends but this guy seemed pretty normal so okay.

 It all started with a Hello Beautiful

Whaaat, he thinks I’m beautiful. Well I better answer him.

Hello, how are you?

I am doing much better now that I am talking to you

Now see, I know this is cheesy and probably all game but wtfrack! I’m on here and the deal was to go hard so here I go.

I’m glad I could help improve your day. That was cheesy too. Wait, am I flirting. I think that counts as flirting. Okay let’s see where this thing goes. Cause Imma flirt.

I love your smile. I can practically hear you laughing through the picture.

Woot Woot, that was a good one. Okay. okay. I see you dude.

That was a good one. How is your day by the way? Are you doing anything fun and exciting?

Unfortunately I can’t do what I want to do.

Now this is the point where if this were a horror film I would be yelling at the chick “Don’t go in there you dumb chick!! The killer is in there behind the door!!” Knowing full well she is going to go into the room because she has to. If she doesn't go into the room the movie doesn't move forward. She doesn’t know the killer is in the other room waiting for her. And in this case I didn't know either, so I say…

What is it you want to do? (You know what’s coming)

You.

Wait, what? You want to be doing me? You don’t even know me.

What better way to get to know each other?

That is an ineffective way to get to know one another but I think there are some other women on the site that are much better suited to meet your needs.

I am sure you could meet every one of my needs.

Oh, we’re talking about capabilities. My bad.

What do you mean capabilities?

As in if I am capable of meeting your needs. That’s what we’re talking about. Right?

I think you should come over right now. I am so hard.

How long have you been hard?

Since I first saw your picture.

Well if it persists for more than four hours I think you should call a doctor.

A doctor? You should come over and be my doctor.

Night Nurse?

What is night nurse?

Like the Gregory Isaac’s song. Night nurse… Only you alone can quench this here thirst.

I don’t know this song.

You should it’s a really good song. You don’t listen to reggae?

No.

What kind of music do you listen to?

I don’t want to listen to music, I want to listen to you.

I sing pretty well but I’m no Gregory Isaacs.

Are you going to come over?

Why?

Because I’m hard for you.

Still? We’ve been chatting for awhile. Maybe you should contact a doctor.

I never heard from him again. Maybe it was something I said.

Oh My Tinder Heart... The begining

Oh My Tinder Heart

So I should probably give a little back-story so that you have proper context, right? Okay, so after being in a committed relationship for 6 years… We broke up. Cause ya know that happens. Anyway, it had been brought to my attention that I have been single for 6 years. Yep!! Six years in and six years out. Like a gang, blood in blood out. No not really like a gang obviously cause if it was blood in blood out, I’m pretty sure I could have taken him.

To be honest, and of course what’s the sense of writing about it if I’m not going to be honest… I just wasn’t interested in dating. I rarely even noticed men and as far as I could tell the feelings were mutual; they weren’t paying me much attention either.

Anyway, I reached a point where even I had noticed that I was spending a lot of time alone and there was no one to share those life victories with. The big ones but more importantly the small ones. Like finding the perfect parking spot at the mall on a Saturday afternoon. Or when you find out you aren’t going to have to pay shipping on a your order from amazon because you have more than enough points. Who's gonna share moments with me? I had nobody to share my moments with. Arghhh!!! There wasn’t even anyone I wanted to share those moments with. It was really noticeable after we shot our first television commercial. On the way home I was all pumped up and wanted to bask in the afterglow of the day and I had no one to do that with. I called my dad, even though he was excited and proud he just didn't get it.

So after several conversations with my friends, and trust me I have amazing friends. The kind of friends that give it to you straight up with no chaser and you gotta take it whether you like it or not because it comes from a place of love type friends. The kind of friends that will tell you about yourself when you're wrong while holding the flashlight while you dig. Plus those heffas don't play and its just easier to take your lumps then to fight. Anyway, the decision was made that I need to start dating again.

I’m not gonna lie I was more than a little scared and for someone like me that's saying a lot. I’ve bungee jumped off cape good hope. Petted a cheetah, hiked the Inca Trail and a bunch of other super bad*ss stuff… I do not scare easily. But dating is not my happy place.

Now here is the thing, at this point it has been over 10 years since I’ve even looked at a man seriously. Things have changed. Social media changed the game and I don't know the rules anymore. And the idea of online dating gives me anxiety.

Let me back track a bit… About two years after the ex and I broke up a friend of mine tried to push me back into the dating world by introducing me to online dating. She created a profile for me and everything. I read it, it was pretty good. So I decided to roll with it. She said I wouldn’t have to do anything she would do all the screening and interacting and once it was narrowed down she would let me know.

Every once in awhile I would check it out and see what was happening, usually a lot of nothing so I thought nothing of it. Until… One day I was leaving the gym, I was walking down this short alleyway between the gym and the parking lot to my car and this  guy comes up behind me, I assume he is trying to get past me so I step to the side and then he taps me on the shoulder. A little freaked out I turn around to face him. It's the same guy from inside the gym that was staring at me. (It was leg day so I just figured he was enjoying the view while I did squats… Not that I am so great but hell, men staring at women doing squats is just part of the gym experience) Anyway, he starts talking to me about a book I recently read and now I am REALLY freaking out. How does he know that!! I start to slowly back away from him but not trying to set the guy off or escalate the situation or over react. That’s when he reaches in like he is going to touch, hug or grab me. I push his hands away and as politely as I can muster I apologize if I have forgotten but ask him if we know each other. He mentions the dating site. I’m done!! 

This dude was well over 6ft tall and I am only 5’1”, fortunately it was during the day and there was plenty of foot traffic in that alleyway and he didn’t seem to want to harm me but what if the situation had been just a little different. NOPE! No online dating for me!!

I called my friend immediately and demanded that she remove the profile. And you would think it would all be over at this point, right? Nope. Shortly thereafter I found out that a guy I had kinda gone out with a few times with a less than stellar ending decided to create a profile on my behalf as well. Except his was on a casual sex site. Yep, cause that's normal. I didn’t even know sites like that existed. But there I was in living color looking for a random rendezvous with a stranger on a casual sex site. I felt sick. Fortunately I have a friend that is a computer/tech guy and he helped me get the profile taken down. But at that point I couldn’t be any more over online dating and dating in general for that matter.

This may be why it took me 4 more years to even consider it.

So myself and two other single girlfriends made a pact, 30 days 3 dating sites and at least 3 dates and if we are going to do it we gotta GO HARD!! So here I am back online dating.

And what is online dating today without Tinder. Just the idea of Tinder stresses me out. All that judgment and instant rejection. How am I supposed to handle that? I just envision some dude I would never even be interested in in real life seeing my picture, reading my profile (if that) and then deciding “Nah, she’s alright but I can do better” Then I’m like “Wait, don't you know I trekked the Inca trail! Fourteen days on the trail with no shower. I’m pretty bad*ss! Read my profile again. See I’m funny and witty. Look at it! Look at me. Why am I not good enough? What’s wrong with me? Don't you see it, I’m a cutie, Swipe right, swipe right! Ahhh!” Then the inevitable happens he swipes left and I’m like “Why am I begging this dude to look at me. He’s stupid! He's a stupid stupid head!! I don’t even care anyway. Shoo, I’m a cutie, his loss. Stupid dude with his stupid head and stupid fat fingers” and it all becomes just too much for me to handle and I chicken out of signing up.

But today… I vaged up and signed up!! So hopefully the Tinderverse will be gentle on my Tinder heart.